Yaoiland Yaoiland

Let the Travesty Begin






Perpetrators:

Talya Firedancer
Bright Angel
Utopian Trunks

More Corruption:

Kuwabara no Miko's Inglorious Anime page

Talya Firedancer's Universe of Chaos

Zuflucht der Engel

The Temple East of Sanity

How Do You Like Them Apples?

Pitas!

Past Molestations


It's the Happy Yohji Show!!!

Disclaimer: This episode of the Happy Yohji Show!!! was brought to you by Brian, the number 3, and the letter U. (and Janie proofread! Which means she did most of the work....*flees*)

*DEET DEET DEET DEET* Ah, the sweet voice of the morning alarm...

Yohji groaned and pushed his hair out of one squinting eye. "...masaka..."

Rolling himself out of bed, Yohji slapped the off button on top of the alarm clock. "Ch, why do I have to open today... I mean, after Aya last night...after Ken, then Omi, and I finally thought I was going to get some rest but then Schuldich showed up, and I don't even know what Farfarello was doing in our kitchen at 3 in the morning! Man, I'm so sore, and these rope burns are just killing me. Oi, you'd think they'd let me take the day off..."
*sigh* "It's almost like...like someone has it out for me. Or maybe a big group of someone's! I bet they're all women too... around their 20's...yeah"

Dressed and ready to go, he headed down the steps to open shop, reaching into his pocket. "Kore wa...What's this?!" Something papery was clinging to the keys. "A 244,000 yen bill?! I didn't even know these existed! Wow, talk about luck! Too bad I gotta hang around here all day catering to screaming little girls."

Aya's face lit up in a sparkling (yes, literally sparkling) smile as Yohji entered. "Ohayo gozaimasu!" He paused, and blinked. "Oh, Yohji! 'Morning, sunshine!"

Sunshine?!!? Yohji hesitated on the stairs. "A-Aya? What are you doing up..."

Aya gave a dismissive little flip of his fingers. "Maa, maa...I just felt that, since you're such a sweetie I'd be nice and give you the day off!"

Before Aya could change his mind Yohji was on the street, walking in no general direction with 244,000 yen in his pocket, the sun on his face, and a free day to do with what he pleased. He peered around a corner...no, no Schuldich...Behind a garbage can? No Schuldich. Lurking behind a parked car? No Schuldich! Could this day get any better??? He looked at his watch. "Wow...ten minutes out of the shop, and I haven't even seen him once! Sugoi!!!"

After getting tired of walking he sauntered into a nice looking little coffee shop.

Yohji approached the counter. "Anou, sumimasen...can you guys break a 244,000?"

The clerk smiled broadly. "Why would we have to do that?! have a free cup!"

~Man, what's going on here...?~ Yohji wandered over to a convenient table with his free cup of coffee, and sat down to gloat over his good luck.

"Anou...Kudou-san..."

That voice...that super ultra-smooth sexy sexy voice!!! It had to be -- but it couldn't be -- but it was! "Gackt!"

The Beautiful One gave Yohji a sunny smile and a wave. "Finally found you! Listen, Yohji......Would you mind if I sucked you off?"

Yohji blinked. He blinked again. He shrugged. "Okay."

Gackt rolled up his sleeves and cracked his neck a few times. "Itadakimasu!" With that, he dove under the table.

20 minutes and 2 more free cups of coffee later, Gackt emerged, wiping his mouth with the back of his hand. "Hey, that was great...Want a cigarette?"

Yohji smiled and waved the offer off. "Nah, it's okay. I've got my own."

"Alrighty, then. Hey, let's do that again some time!" He turned to leave. "Oh...and a little something for your trouble..." He dropped two 1000 yen bills on the table. "Ja, mata ne!" With a wink and another wave, Gackt disappeared out the cafe door.

It was getting late by the time Yohji was finally able to stand and leave the cafe. He had just reached the sidewalk when his cell phone rang.

"Moshi moshi?"

"Mission yo..."

"Manx!"

"Balinese, we have a special assignment for you...one only you are qualified for. There's a huge party tonight at a notable businessman's mansion, and a whole busload of gorgeous supermodels and strippers are going to be there. We don't think anything bad's going to happen, but we want you to be there just in case. Try and blend in...have a couple drinks, screw a couple of the girls...You know, act normal. Think you can manage?"

"I...I think so..." Yohji paused. "What's the pay?"

"2,000,000 yen...and a new Corvette."

"Hmmmmm........"

"With a CD player..."

"Well..."

"And we'll fill the back seat with boxes of Pocky."

"I'll do it!"

Meanwhile, quite nearby, five shadowy figures stood...and plotted. "This is the last time we let Brian write something..."

"It isn't so bad...It just means we need more angst to counteract it! Right? Right?"

"You're twitching."

"Sorry."

"Let's just grab him, tie him up, and beat him."

"Not yet...save that for the fanfiction..."

"I'M FREAKIN' OUT, HERE! I GOTTA TORTURE HIM!!!"

*smack* "Good Heavens, woman! Get ahold of yourself! All in good time....yeeesssss....."

"Is it my turn yet?"

"Right, right...He's about to walk by. Ready, set...wait for it...Okay, Schu! Pounce!"

Like poetry in motion Schuldich launched himself out of the alley, landing right in front of his target.

Yohji: *twitch* "DAMN IT!!! And I was having such a good day, too....."

Schuldich gave Yohji a sly, feral grin. "Oh you were, were you? I have something for you....." He unbuttoned his coat. Yohji started to get down on his knees. In the alleyway, four shadows held their breath. "Here you go..." With that, he whipped out...

A daisy. *bing!*

Yohji blinked.

Schuldich smiled brightly. "Douzo!"

He blinked again. "Aa...d-doumo..."

"Well, I'd better be off! Oh...and a little something for your trouble..." He handed Yohji two 1000 yen bills. "Ja, mata ne!" With another sparkling smile, Schuldich skipped away, singing something about shooting pigs.

In the shadows of the alleyway, four shadows faceplanted under the weight of a thousand sweatdrops. "Brian is soooo dead."

From someplace far above, a distant voice was cackling to himself. "Suckers!"

The bishounen were successfully manhandled at 01:31 p.m. on Tuesday, November 20, 2001. *cackle*



Man's Best Friend

Everybody's favorite dragonboy flits into view, holding up a large sign, which reads:

"DISCLAIMER: The following is not BrightAngel's fault! She was coerced into doing this by an evil outside force called the Pez. 'WooOooOo I am the Pez! Ph34r m3!1!!1' She is doing this on his orders, and his orders only...

And because it's gonna be really, really funny."

Preceeding events: Schuldich, using his crazy moon-mind powers, got Yohji into his house, tied him up, and left him for later.
The powers that be rescued him from this fate, returning him to his one true love, Aya, who in turn did the same thing *clears throat*.

We replaced Schuldich's Yohji with a dog.

A dog in a wig.

Let's see what happens.

[Thursday, 8:00 am: Inside Schuldich's apartment...A sinister silhouette appears, backlit by the open door]

Schuldich: [Letting loose a burst of evil villain laughter] Sooo, I hope you slept well, and now I plan to ravish you thoroughly! We can this the easy way, or...

Yohji-dog: [A large, rather confused-looking Doberman scratches idly at one ear. The dog is wearing a blond wig perched between his cropped ears, and a dog-sized pair of sunglasses. A white cross is spray-painted on his back. The Doberman finishes scratching his ear, then sniffs his foot.]

Schuldich: I see, nothing to say for yourself, 'eh? I thought as much. [Approaches Yohji-dog, unzipping his fly]

Yohji-dog: Ruff!

Schuldich: Ah, eager my little pet? I should've known you like it rough, you animal!

Yohji-dog:[Yohji-dog does as most big, stupid, male dogs do, and makes for Schuldich's crotch, sniffing enthusiastically]

Schuldich:[sweatdrops] Well...*cough* This is different, but I see you really do want it, in which case, NO! Mwahahaha (I'm so evil). I'll just let you wander about for now, unfulfilled and mad with lust![unties Yohji-dog]

Yohji-dog:[Yohji-dog prances out the door and down the hall, wagging his docked stub of a tail]

Schuldich:[scratching the back of his head] Well, that was...interesting. [shrugs and walks out of the room, closing the door behind him]

The dragonboy flutters in, looking vaguely nauseated. What, do I have to?
[A long stick extends from out of sight and pokes the dragonboy] FINE! Fine...[clears throat] That's it for--

Voice of The Pez: DO IT RIGHT! [stick waves threateningly]

Ryu: [looks offscreen] Do I really-- [A pointier stick comes from the other side of the screen and pokes him in the back of the neck]

Voice of BrightAngel:Do the f***ing voice!

Ryu:[rolls his eyes and clears his throat, again] AaaaAND that's all for today's episode, folks! [In his best Wheel of Fortune announcer voice...yeah, you know who we're talking about] Will Yohji-dog escape unscathed from Schuldich's dastardly clutches?! Will Yohji-dog drink from the toilet?! Will Rocky and Bullwinkle make it out of the factory in time?! Will Schuldich's pizza arrive in time? Tune in next week to find out! Good night and God Bless![Back to normal voice, hands on hips] Am I done?

The Sticks:[POKEpokepokepOKEPOKEPOKEPOKE!]

The bishounen were successfully manhandled at 05:45 p.m. on Thursday, October 18, 2001. *cackle*



Stay Cool!

Youji:[sitting with his head propped on one hand, gazing at something in the distance] *sigh*

Aya: What are you moping about?

Youji: Iya... it's nothing. [gaze]

Aya: The hell it is. Spit it out.

Youji: ... Maa... [looks away] It's just... that couple over there... I... I'd like to do that, too.

Aya: With me.

Youji: [nods] Don't worry, I know you never would.

Aya: Damn right.

Youji: *siii~gh* They look so happy... I'd really like to... just once...

Aya: ...

Youji: But you're ashamed to be seen doing something like that with me... *SIGH*

Aya: Oh, for god's sake, fine. Come on.

Youji: [perks] Really? [glomp] Aya, you're the best! I love you! Tonight I'll--

Aya: 'Rusee!! Let's just get this over with.

[And so ... ]

DDR 3rd Mix: You're a little out of shape! ... Are you having trouble with your feet? ... Are you watching the screen?

Aya: Grrrrr.... Shine...

The bishounen were successfully manhandled at 04:08 p.m. on Sunday, October 7, 2001. *cackle*



Freudian Slip

[Aya working in the shop. Enter Ken, from the back.]

Ken: [grumble] Man, who does Youji think he is? I'm just gonna sleep all day! And go out with girls at night! Take my deliveries for me Ken? You owe me from before, remember? 'Taku! When's he gonna stop reminding me about that, anyway? I mean, everybody's been caught making out with Omi at least once! I don't owe him my freakin' life for that, do I?

Aya: Youji. [sigh] Can't live with him, can't just throw him over the counter and fuck him. [shrug]

Ken: Pff. Yeah, man.

[They return to work]

Aya/Ken: O_o ... What did you say?!

Aya: [glare] You forget what I said and I'll forget what you said.

Ken: Deal.

[They return to work]

Ken: .... Wait a minute. Aya?

Aya: [glare] What?

Ken: .... Was there a reason we couldn't just throw Youji over the counter and fuck him?

Aya: ... Besides basic etiquette?

Ken: Yeah.

Aya: [ponders] ... No. Not really.

[pause]

Ken: I'll race you upstairs. [dashes for the back]

Aya: [in hot pursuit] He's mine first, Hidaka!!

The bishounen were successfully manhandled at 07:54 p.m. on Friday, September 21, 2001. *cackle*



Why most StreetFigher II slash involved Ryu and Ken

Vega: Blanca, you slobbering hunk of man-animal, take me!

Vega: Oh~ yes! Beast to my unmatchable beauty, I want you inside me, now!

Vega: Ah~n, Blanca, yessss, right the--

Blanca: Grraor!

*BZZZATTT*

Vega: *steam, sizzle* ... I hate you.

The bishounen were successfully manhandled at 01:07 a.m. on Wednesday, September 5, 2001. *cackle*



Performance Anxiety

Aya: ... Youji, that's the sixteenth time. Aren't you tired of this yet?

Youji: No! It's been so long since you could get it up! I'm making up for lost time, here!

Aya: ...

Youji: ... Oh, yeah!

Aya: ...

Youji: Yesss!

Aya: Youji--

Youji: Oh, god, yeah!

Aya: You could at least let me have a turn.

Youji: Nothin' doin'. I'm going for thirty, you stay back there where you are.

Aya: ...

Ken: [outside] Geez, is he still playing Internet Blackjack?

Omi: I keep telling him there are more interesting things he could be doing with his laptop.

Ken: Aya just shoulda done the smart thing and pretended he didn't know how ta fix the modem...

The bishounen were successfully manhandled at 1:01 a.m. on Wednesday, September 5, 2001. *cackle*



...

In the dead of night, a pale wraith of a figure emerges from the swirling dark shadows.
Meanwhile, three figures detach themselves from the lights and music and alcohol fumes of the raging luau nearby.

Squall: Who does 'e think he is, calling me a whiny girl...why...I oughta...[Slashes angrily at the air with his fist, and nearly falls over]

Ryu: Dude...you are *so* wasted! [flutters several feet away] And you reek of cheep beer! AMERICAN beer!

Squall: [sniffles] Nobody likes me...

Ryu: Seifer was right...you ARE a whiny girl!

Hotohori: Wait...something is coming out of the woods! Stay back! [draws his sword] Who goes there?

Figure: [In a swirl of black cape and silver hair] I am Alucard...denizen of the night and--

Cloud: Whoa! It's a chick!

Wufei: A woman? Here? Impossible...

Ryu: [glaring darkly] Women are bad! Evil! Women write scary stories! [drops to the ground with a thud and curls into a little whimpering ball]

Squall: *hic* Dude...you're a muse? *hic* You suck! [Sways dangerously]

Cloud: [eyes gleaming] Finally, a chance to reaffirm my heterosexuality!

Zax: [catching Cloud by the collar] Oh, no you don't...

Alucard: *blinkblink* Eh...what? *sweatdrops*

Squall: [looking rather green] So...baby...you and me...in the bushes...whaddaya think of that? *hic*

Alucard: Hey! I'm a guy!

Ryu: *snorting* Yeah, right! If you're a guy, then I'll lick Kiryuu Touma's shoes! You're a woman!

Alucard: [angrily] I'm not a woman! I'm just...erm...effeminate...

Hotohori: No, *I* am effeminate. *YOU* are a woman.

Wufei: Funny...but I don't seem to mind *this* one.

Alucard: Eh...hm...Oh, hey! Is that the sun? I'd, uh...I'd better get going!

Wufei: Hey! Wait! Don't go! I wanna show you my...Gundam!

The bishounen were successfully manhandled at 07:35 p.m. on Friday, August 17, 2001. *cackle*



Saddle Sore

A quartet of recently-unsaddled chocobos graze peacefully by one of the hot tubs..

Squall: *rubbing his aching posterior* I hate birds...I think they gave me the choppiest-gaited one in the entire stable!

Seifer: *in a whiny sissy-voice* "I don't want to be leader!" "I want to hear your voice, Rinoa!" "My ass hurts!" You never stop complaining, you girl!

Zell: *sweatdrops*

Irvine: I don't know what the problem is...My ass isn't one bit sore!

Squall: *one eyebrow creeping up* I can fix that for you...

Zell: *looking vaguely frightened* A-anou.....

Irvine: Are you propositioning me?

Squall: *donning Irvine's cowboy hat* Come on, I'm ready for another ride!

They scamper off into the woods, shedding clothing as they go...

Seifer: *glances sideways at Zell* Hm...............

Zell: *massive sweatdrop* A-aa...Seifer, don't give me that look! Seifer--ch-chotto! Stay back!

Seifer: Hey, don't run! I can show you MY Final Heaven!

The bishounen were successfully manhandled at 08:11 p.m. on Thursday, August 9, 2001. *cackle*



But it's Beautiful Pain.

Mirufi-Yu sits on Carrot.

Mirufi-Yu: [singing] Yoooou make me FEEEEL~!

Carrot: YAMETE!

Mirufi-Yu: [twists Carrot's arm further behind his back] [singing] Yoooou make me FEEEEL~!

Carrot: OSHIRI GA!

Mirufi-Yu: [singing] Yoooou make me FEEEL like a NA~TU~RAL~ WOMANNNNN!

Carrot: ITAI! T_T

The bishounen were successfully manhandled at 01:53 p.m. on Wednesday, August 1, 2001. *cackle*



Bringing new meaning to the term 'Eat Lead.'

Hakkai: Gojyou?

Gojyou: Nn?

Hakkai: Gojyou, please stop licking that gun. It's not sanitary.

Gojyou: Ahh gannt. Maa ong sss stgg t'da brrll.

Gokuu: Ch'! Erogappa, even I'm not that hungry!

Gojyou: # # #

Sanzou: *veinpop* Give me that. The barrel is the last thing you'll see.

Gojyou: !!

The bishounen were successfully manhandled at 01:08 p.m. on Tuesday, July 31, 2001. *cackle*



And now we bring you some yaoitic RPG action!

Sydney Losstarot: Try to catch me, Ashley Riot! XD *clunk-clunk-clunk*

Ashley: ....

Ashley: .... Was he always clothed thus, I wonder? Near unclad, he is... *scampers after sydney*

Three rooms later...

*clunk-clunk-clunk-THUNK* -- "Damnation...I'm stuck..."

Ashley: Sydney, 'pears to me you have not run far...

Sydney: *eyes smoldering* AYE, Riskbreaker, you're too fast for the likes of me... <-- {ignoring the fact that his foot is stuck in a cracked flagstone}

Ashley: Now, Sydney, I'll have answers out of you or I'll have your tripes; take your...take your...SYDNEY! Remove your hand, man!

Sydney: You've caught me, Riskbreaker, canst think of aught more creative than tripe-carving?

Ashley: ....

Ashley: In truth, your garb has given me pause for thought.

Sydney: *LEER* Oh?

Ashley: Is there aught that anchors these trews but arch of bone? Or use you some trick of the Dark to suspend them?

Sydney: ....

Sydney: Perchance you'd like to research the matter first-hand? XD

The bishounen were successfully manhandled at 09:29 a.m. on Monday, July 16, 2001. *cackle*



[Meanwhile, in a grassy field somewhere East of the sauna]

Ramza: Delita! I thought I'd never see you again!

Delita: [skeptical] ... And that was a bad thing?

Ramza: [teary] Don't say that, Delita! I mean, what with the game being over and all, can't we put our differences aside?

Delita: ...

Ramza: [turns away] Of course... you'll never be able to forgive me for this accident of birth; and for Teta...

Delita: [ponders] Well, life with the Beoulves wasn't all bad.

Ramza: [sunny] Really??

Delita: We do have some good memories...

Ramza: [beaming] Like when Father taught us to play the reed flute? [picks a piece of grass]

Delita: [grin] Actually... your father taught me something a bit more interesting...

Ramza: [blink] He did? What?

Delita: Allow me--[pounce]

Ramza: [going down] Wah! Delita-wha--?! [roll, roll, roll, thud] Wait! What are you--? Hey, leggo my belt! Don't--eep.

Delita: Ho~ you've done a little 'growing up' since I last saw you, Ramza... [floop]

Ramza: "Floop?" [eyes cross] Oh, my god... Delita...[gasp] my... [pant] Father taught you... that?

Delita: [smirk] Probably a lot you don't know about your father. Wanna see what else he taught me...?

Ramza: ............. [turns crimson and nods vigorously]

The bishounen were successfully manhandled at 12:09 a.m. on Friday, June 8, 2001. *cackle*



There IS no escape...

...from Superpest!!

Touma: *nuzzlepurrGLOMPcoax* C'mon, Ryu, be nice...it's a lot easier if you just relax and let me practice my evil wiles on you...

Ryu: *frozen in wide-eyed terror*

Touma: *sits up on Ryu's thighs* Well, FINE! If you're gonna be like this, it's no fun! *wiggles* *hops onto the edge of the hot tub*

Touma: *brightens* HEY! I see Yohji!

Omi: *lurks furtively by the hot tub, following Ken-in-Speedos*

Nagi: *claps his shoulder* Hey, Omi! I didn't know you were incarcerated here!

Omi: *starts violently* NoiwasnotstaringatKen-kun'sass!!

Nagi: *blink* Oookayyyy.... *naughtygrin* Wanna not-stare at my ass for awhile?

The bishounen were successfully manhandled at 07:57 a.m. on Friday, June 1, 2001. *cackle*